Take it all...

For the most part, the last 20 years of life have been unpredictable. My first realization that this was the way it was to be came no later than the night after Paul and I were married. Somehow it did not occur to me that tying the knot of matrimony meant unraveling every other relationship in our lives and seeing them woven into a new tapestry. Not that I would do this any other way, but I have to admit that I grieved those changes almost as much as I celebrated the newness of our marriage.
Then, before I could catch my breath, came the evidence and blessing of our marriage, my four wonderful children. Every one of them has brought a different dynamic into our family...each with it's challenges and triumphs...each one altered the relationships between those that preceded them...in good ways and some difficult ways...again, not that I would have it any differently, but then who asked me anyway...soon, I will post bios for them all...they are all beautiful gifts.
The Kids are self-sufficient these days and I find myself unbound by responsibilities that I had in past. Suddenly I am asking myself who I am and what I should do. We had just gotten into a groove here. Now,everything that I could anticipate and everything that I found my identity in has changed again. We are down from 10 loads of laundry a week to just a few. Our grocery bill is less than it has been in years, despite inflation. The house is quieter and cleaner. The conversations revolve around the life that Paul and I have beyond the kids...this is uncharted territory and it leaves me feeling exposed...open...like I blew my cover.
So where can I hide? Well, as it turns out, I did learn a few things along the way. I figured out at some point, to search for truth anywhere else, but in Truth, is to find nothing worth knowing. I did learn that to put the label of "mom" or "wife" in front of "child of God" is to place a target on my self-worth. I did learn that despite the chaos of every day, there are moments to be found in a safe harbor (albeit, these are sometimes unconventional times and places). And I did learn while I deserve nothing, I have been given so much...so much. To look at life through this lens allows me to see everything as a gift...and it also stirs in incredible desire to GIVE to others. I can't help it! Until there is nothing left to give....

this is so outside my comfort zone

I can't believe that I am doing this, but I figured out something today and it has caused me to jump into the pool headfirst . I think somebody turned the page in my book of life and I am in a chapter that is unlike any I have read before. I don't exactly know what to think or how to feel...kind of like I remember feeling when I started college...new, scared and excited.

The thing was, I was happy in the last chapter of my book...I kinda wanted to stay there...in fact, I was just getting really good at a few things. I started to get my bearings and I liked them. I knew what I wanted, when, and why I need it to be that way. Really simple. At last, I held in my hand the remote control of life...and then...

If I had any idea that I was in charge...it has vanished... and I am not sure why, but I am ok with that. Sure, it might have been nice to have some advanced notice, but why ruin the surprise?
Why not just jolt my existence into a new reality so I have no choice, but to simply respond in faith? (I am sure this is fun for somebody...)

So, tomorrow will bring some new challenges that I can't possibly face without fear...unless, I face them down with the fear of God...yes, that's it. That's the shift in my thinking that I find so exhilarating. No one...not me...not my husband...not my kids...no one except THE ONE that really matters knows what tomorrow holds and that's all I need to know. For the first time in my life, I believe it. If He knows, then He knows what tomorrow takes and He will give me that...tomorrow!

So, here I go...this is so exciting...kinda like fresh pencils and new shoes...and the smell of textbooks and the sight of faces...some new, some familiar...and mine...a few years older and wiser and still completely amazed at my God.